My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
You Might Also Like
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.