If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
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There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you