When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
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Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”