[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
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My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye