The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
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If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
#growingpains
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
moms in horror movies
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*