While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
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Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
I’m listening
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank