[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
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My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Very problematic
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.