What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
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“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?