#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
You Might Also Like
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face