Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
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[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
g
a
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d
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.