Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
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Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
just left a huge legacy in there
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
this came to me in a vision
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean