I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
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Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
You’re the water to my grease fire.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
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