Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
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Dilated Pupils
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I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
I just love that new Pope smell.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.