I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
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Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.