I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
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Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.