Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
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I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
I cannot stop laughing at this
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.