Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
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The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I already tried new things thanks.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”