ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
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I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
i baked you a cake
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.