People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
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I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
New comic up. “Ransom”
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota