Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
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me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
ready to be harvested
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.