MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
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Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever