It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
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If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.