Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
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THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Just say no
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
checking out some reviews of my local library
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min