I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
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I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.