In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
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That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
The asteroid..
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
This is amazing.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.