Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
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Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
All. The. Damn. Time.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
peeping toms