got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
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Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…