Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
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I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Writing, She Murdered.