Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
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Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
my name if I was in the mob
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball