Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
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9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Bruh PLEASE
In banana years, I am bread.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby