Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
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Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love