[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
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My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise