Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
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Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Lmao
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️