Do robots dream of electric sheep?
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A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
thank god
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time