Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
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my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Barbie gone wild
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.