giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
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[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned