8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
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Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday