“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
You Might Also Like
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I have obtained a hat
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
lost dog
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.