*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
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I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.