(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
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I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.