“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
You Might Also Like
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Plant care tips
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Sell your car
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’