Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
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Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Camping tip: No.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.