the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
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[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?