The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
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People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me