Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
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Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.