I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
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I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me