[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
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Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Coffee for people with no kids
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
My typo game is string.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille