Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
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wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Become ungovernable.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.