I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
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*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.