Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
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My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?